jonezy’s posterous

Instead

Instead of being sad every minute your not with them, enjoy every moment when they are with you

Instead of dwelling on the guilt of leaving, focus on the ability to continually make there lives better

Instead of being so hard on yourself, remember that your just human too

Instead of worrying about everything you can't do for them, do the things you can do for them to the best of your ability.

Instead of letting your mind wander, be present in what your doing

Instead of being sad for your loss, remember every special moment, with love.

Instead of wondering about what could have been, focus on what's going to be

Loss

Evreyone has experienced it in some way, the gut wrenching feeling of loss, being left with faint trace of them, expecting to see them, hoping you will wake up and find them there.

A few times a month the loss is replaced, a few times a month I lose them all over again.

Grandpa

Last night in bed we both talked about grandpa's that we had lost, each our favourites.

She had so many amazing memories, so many good times.

I have them all too, but I can't help but be sad at the state I was in when he died. I was an addict and an alchoholic at the time. I couldn't cry at his funeral because I was so numb.

I cried last night, I miss him so much.

I love you grandpa.

Lies

I had to lie for him, and for me. But mostly for him. Any other way would have been to easy, any other way wouldn't have worked.

I'm sorry friend, I'm so fucking sorry.

Wednesdays

It starts early, I usually wake up long before my alarm, I lay there, I think about stuff, wonder about things. I'm hard on myself as I lay there, I don't know why I am. They don't care if I have a car, they don't care if I'm bankrupt, they just love me, and they just want me to love them back. I get up, walk the dog, I try to be normal, but I know what today is going to be like, I know what's in store.

I wake her up like I always do, she smiles at me, and I smile back.

But dhe always notices and asks me if I'm ok, I always lie and say that I am.

Usually by 11, I can't concentrate.

12 comes and goes, I can never eat.

By 2 I feel like I'm going to throw up

While I stand and wait for the go train, I choke back the tears.

When I'm walking to get them I cry. I stop with enough time that they'll never notice.

For a couple of hours its ok. But then they go home, and I go home.

And she asks me if I'm ok, and I lie and tell her that I am.

I wish I knew why wednsdays were like this, I wish this would stop.

She just gets me

And its amazing, nothing could be better.

How?

Do I reconcile the feelings of guilt, of knowing that I will never be there in the way that they need me.

How?

i'm only sleeping

it's quiet this time, it's lighter than it was before, but it's still quiet.

comfort in knowing your in there

comfort in knowing i'm here

one day soon you'll see

that this was all for the best, that this was all supposed to happen.

one day soon you'll see that my friend.

I spent so many years caring for everyone else

I totally neglected to care for myself.