jonezy's posterous

My marriage was over, my wife left me for the guy she had been cheating on me for the last several months with, I was riding the tail end of a 5 or so year bender, I hadn't dated since high school, hell I hadn't lived on my own since I was 18.

And there I was, 31 separated single father of 3 kids. Feeling like i was never going to be happy again. I had never in my life felt so alone. Even though I was in a marriage that was destroying me there was still some level of comfort, a degree of familiarity, at least most nights I felt like I could go to sleep knowing at least I would wake up to the same life the next day. Now most nights I couldn't get to sleep for all the endless internal dialog and chatter, most nights I listened to music to queit the noise in my head, I quickly realized I was never going to wake up to that life again.

For months I tried dating or meeting someone, it was hard because I was still dealing with a lot of emotional fallout, I was dealing with inresolved feelings I was lost and confused and looking for answers that I wasn't even sure I would be able to find. Dating and finding someone to make me happy seemed like an impossible task.

Over the next few months I spent a lot of time alone, something that I eventually realized I had missed a great deal, it was during that time that I discovered a lot about myself, I learned a lot about myself. I didn't drink and I didn't do drugs, I spent that time doing nothing but being honest with myself, doing nothing but admitting to myself that I had been unhappy for the last 10 years, but that it was ok it had to be ok or else I was never going to move on with my life.

Then one night at my best friends, I met her and she reminded me of who I was inside, and eventually we fell in love, now I wasn't just happier, I was happy, I was happy and in love. Something I honestly never thought would happen again to me.  It continue's to this day, in fact it got better and get's better.

It saved me... she saved me.

There's all these ppl around me in my life who can't understand what I'm going through, thet all think its so easy.. Hell I used to think the same thing all the time when. I saw single fathers in my siuation who were maybe just a bit not there, who didn't have it all together.. Come on, how hard can it be, you only see them a few days out of the month, how can you not call them on days when you don't have them, how can you not take them for a few extra days...

I don't ask those questions anymore, because now that people are asking me those same questions I realize that it isn't that easy to come up with the answers, and sometimes when you do come up with the answers it hurts to much too talk about, it hurts to realize that you don't have it all together.

So next time you think something is simpleand has an easy answer try putting yourself in that persons shoes, try thinking about those problems from a different point of view, you might just learn something.

Most people as they get older try and try to remember the details of there past, at the age of 29 I wanted nothing more than to forget the last 10 years of my life.

Forget why I was in this shitty marriage
Forget about all the horrible things i had done to myself
Forget about all the horrible things I had done to the ones I loved
Forget about all the bad decisions
Forget about all the guilt
Forget about all the sadness

I never did manage to forget, only to escape if only temporarily to a place where those things didn't exist. A place where my forgotten past and all the reasons why I was so unhappy were my best and only friends.